


Love, Kartik

by Enigma3000



Category: Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (2020)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Epistolary, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Grief, M/M, PTSD, Parental Abuse, Parental Death, So much angst, Trauma, im so sorry idk what the fuck this is, this is so fucking sad dear god
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:07:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29962737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enigma3000/pseuds/Enigma3000
Summary: A lonely little boy, and his letters to his mother.
Relationships: Kartik Singh + his mom, Kartik Singh/Aman Tripathi, Kartik Singh/Exes (mentioned), Tripathifam, Uhh - Relationship, yeah thats it - Relationship
Comments: 36
Kudos: 19





	1. 12

**Author's Note:**

> i cried three times writing this. enjoy 
> 
> DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE TRIGGERED BY:
> 
> PARENTAL ABUSE  
> GRIEF  
> PARENTAL DEATH  
> SUICIDAL IDEATION  
> DEPRESSION  
> HOMOPHOBIA

Hi mumma

Its Kartik.

I don’t know why im doing this. I don’t know why im writing these letters. Its not like you can read them. 

(I think)

maybe im writing these because i just want to talk to you. 

Its ok if you cant hear. I just want to talk.

I hope youre doing ok up there. I hope its better than earth.

It has to be, i think

Any place would be better than this. 

I hate it here so much. 

Im happy youre in a better place now. Thats what everyone says, anyway. I dont see any reason not to believe them.

But i still wish so much that you were here.

So much.

I miss you, mumma. Papa is there. Hes taking care of me. But i want you. 

I want you back. 

I know hes my father, i love him so so much for taking care of me when you arent there. Hes said that its a woman’s job, taking care of a child. But hes still doing it. Sometimes i want to say sorry that im being a burden. Maybe i will, someday. But he got meaner and meaner after you left. 

I wish he didnt.

He hits harder now. It hurts.

Sometimes i think of running away, but i know i wouldnt make it on the streets. You always said im your gentle little boy.

Im sorry i sound so ungrateful. I love him i swear.

I just wish you were here too.

I think he misses you too. He never says it. I'm not allowed to say it either. He gets angry. I don't know why.

So I don't.

But it's ok.

I can talk to you. I can say it to you.

I miss you.

Life would be nicer if you were here.

I miss you a lot.

Love, Kartik.


	2. 15

Hello mumma,

How’s it going up there? All good? I’m sure it is, I mean. They don’t hype it up in every mythological story in existence for no reason, right? Do you get unlimited food up there? Is the radio programmed to play your favourites and your favourites only? Are the beds made of cotton candy?

Ok wait I’m just rambling at this point.

God, I do that so much.

But only when I’m excited, I think. 

It’s just a… thing, you know? Like how I basically live on samosas and how I can’t sleep without socks on when it’s cold. Or how I prefer drawing to math. Or how much I love movies.

Just a thing.

About me.

Thought I’d catch you up, just in case you haven’t been keeping an eye on me. But you would have, right? Modesty aside, I’m very worth keeping an eye on. That sentence doesn’t seem right. Whatever, I don’t care, it’s not like anyone’s gonna read this. Except you, hopefully, but even that’s up in the air. No pun intended.

Oh, I’m also doing that now. I make puns a lot. It annoys my friends so much, i love it.

I love them too.

That was random.

I swear I had a point to this when i started.

RIGHT. RIGHT YEAH.

Uh

Okay

Since we were on the topic of things about me you probably don’t know yet, here’s another one. I actually realised this about four months ago, I just kept it to myself. I haven’t told anyone. Mostly because I have nobody to tell. I don’t know if my friends would take it well. I’m not even gonna consider telling dad, that man would take one of those bottles he always has his nose buried in and aim straight for my face. 

I'd rather die. Or he’ll kill me anyway, so. Either way.

I mean, I love him, I do. But… no.

No no no

anyway-

I think there’s one friend i want to tell. I think he would get it.

Actually, I hope he would.

His name is Vansh. He’s one of my best friends

He also has really nice hair. And he’s so, so tall. Not that I’m jealous, I’m still taller than everyone except him. I Like that he’s tall, actually.

Wait. shit. Im rambling again.

Ok here it goes. I guess you’ll be the first one to know.

Yeah, so.

Remember how i used to be obsessed with Sholay?

There, uh.

There’s a reason for that.

I’m gay, ma.

Love, Kartik


	3. 16

Do I deserve this?

I can’t think of any other explanation, mumma.

Maybe I deserve this.

Maybe i’m just that terrible a person. Maybe i’m fucking things up left and right without realising it. Maybe i’m nothing but a goddamn inconvenience to all my friends, maybe i’m nothing but a burden to him,maybe i wasn’t a good son to you. Maybe it’s because i fucking suck at school, now. 

Shocker, I know. But, surprise surprise, your lovable little boy is a fucking failure now. Remember Rathore sir? No, of course you don’t, he started teaching me from 6th standard. I don’t know why i asked you that. probably because i’m just fucking stupid. 

He used to say such good things about me. Now all he does is shout. All he does is yell at me for my grades or for my homework and at this point i just don’t fucking care.

Because i’m so, so tired. And this won’t end. 

I’m tired of going through day after day.

But i don’t have a damn choice, do i? Life didn’t give me one.

Maybe i don’t deserve one.

Maybe it’s because i am a sinner, i am a freak, i am disgusting, i am a mistake, i am all those horrible fucking things he screamed at me when he kicked me to the fucking ground.

That has to be it, na?

That’s the only explanation.

Good people don’t suffer like this.

Good people don’t get lives this. Good people don’t deserve this much cruelty and this much pain. I don’t know what i did, i don’t know what the fuck i did to deserve this but im sorry ma. Im sorry. Im really sorry im so fucking tired i just want it to stop.

I don’t want to live here anymore. I don’t want to live under this monster’s roof anymore.

He hurt me so bad. My arm still hurts. Why did he have to hit so hard, ma?

It’s my own fault, really.

I was stupid enough to take vansh behind my house.

I was stupid enough to assume he would still be at the bar.

I made him come there. He was scared. He thought papa- or hell, anyone- might see us. 

And he was right. 

Why didn’t i listen to him?

Why the fuck didn’t i listen to him?

Of course he ran away. Of course he left. 

I’m not mad at him, actually. God, no. I’m actually proud of him for putting himself first and saving himself instead of staying back and being hurt. he did the right thing. It was my mistake anyway, no reason for him to suffer for it.

I love him.

Sometimes it feels like he’s the only one who loves me

Other times, i wonder why he loves me.

I hope he doesn’t leave, ma. I don’t know what I would do if he does. He’s all i have.

He won’t leave, right? Papa didn’t scare him away, na?

I hope he didn’t.

I fucking hate this man. I hate him so much.

It isn’t fair. He should’ve died instead of you. He should be rotting in the ground somewhere. You should be here. With me. You didn’t deserve to die, ma.

I would trade you for him in a heartbeat.

I’m sorry. I know he’s your husband. I know you loved him.

But he’s not my father.

I don’t think he ever has been.

Love, Kartik.


	4. 18

I'm sorry, ma.

I’m sorry.

Nani always used to say that you would want me to live on, to have a good life and be strong without you. I was six years old, then, I didn't really know what it meant to be strong.

I do, now.

And I want to stop.

I'm so tired.

Some days I feel empty. Other days I feel too much. I wish I could just stop feeling altogether, it would make all of this easier, I think.

If it can get easier. If that's even possible.

Everything is so hard.

I can't wake up every day, ma. I can't. Everything is hard and everything hurts and the days- they hurt so much. I can't sleep at night because I get nightmares sometimes and I can't stay awake because the voices are too fucking loud.

Sorry. I've tried so, so hard not to even think about it until now.

But I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired.

I'm sorry. But sometimes I can't help but wish it was me instead of you. You had people who loved you, people who missed you when you left.

If I left, nobody would miss me, I think. Papa would be better off without me, na? That's what he's said before. That he was stuck with me. That I was a burden.

I don't want to be a burden anymore.

People would be better off without me, I suppose. My friends will be sad for a bit. I hope. Rekha will be the saddest. I love her. She's the one person who loves me- thinks she loves me, at least. She's the best friend I've had and the best friend I ever will have.

I wish she didn't gag at the idea of a man with a man.

The idea of me.

Nobody really loves who I am.

Sometimes I'm scared that you wouldn't have, either. Papa says you wouldn't. I've learned to tune him out, now, but I'm still scared.

All I have are these letters I write to you, like they're actually reaching you. Maybe they are. I don't know, it's just nice to believe someone is out there, listening.

I know it's stupid. But it's comforting. So maybe it isn't as stupid as I think it is.

Anything that keeps me going, right?

It's stopped, now. Doesn't keep me going anymore.

I mean, there's no denying it any longer, is there?

I don't have anyone.

That's okay. I don't mind not having anyone. I don't mind being insignificant and easily forgotten, I don't mind being unloved. Just makes it easier for me.

Maybe it's what I deserve, too. It has to be, right? The world isn't this unfair to good people. It can't be. Maybe I am what everyone says- a disappointment, a burden, a curse. Maybe it would be better if I wasn't around anymore.

Papa wouldn't have anyone to work with in the forge, but that's okay. He'll find someone new. Someone better and stronger than me, someone who doesn't hate him as much as I do. The kind of employee he actually needs.

Rekha will have to find someone else to talk to, I think. But that's okay. She's a sweet girl. She can find plenty of other people to take my place. Maybe it's even about time that she did. I've been avoiding her these last few days. She's been meaning to talk to me but I can't bring myself to look her in the eye after that joke she made.

It hurt, ma.

It hurt to know that she thinks my identity is a joke.

And here, I really thought I could come out to her one of these days.

But she's all I have. I really do love her.

I said that about Vansh once, na? It’s funny, i’m pretty sure i said these exact words about him once.

But he left, anyway.

I wish i’d never loved him.

I wish i’d never fucking met him.

I don’t know what i’ve done to deserve all of this, ma. I don’t know how i fucked up bad enough to deserve all this pain.

But I know i didn’t deserve that.

I know i deserved better than to be thrown away like trash.

Maybe the world is just that cruel.

I don’t want to be a part of it anymore.

I just want to go to bed.

It’s not like it would matter.

I mean, the rest of my friends… they'll miss me, I think, but not for long. Not for too long. They'll be okay. They'll learn to live without me- maybe they don't even have to learn. I'd like to believe they don't.

It's an oddly comforting thought, the idea that they won't have to get adjusted to not having me around. It hurts. But it certainly makes me feel less guilty.

Am I allowed to feel less guilty, though?

I don't know

It doesn't matter.

I don't know if I ever will come out. Everyone is so mean to people like me, ma, papa already beat me real good once before because of who I am. I don't think I can take it again. I don't think I can handle more of this.

I hope you're not too lonely up there. I hope you don't feel as lonely as I do, at least.

Even if you do.

Maybe we won't have to anymore.

Maybe I'll join you, one of these days.

I miss you.

I'm sorry.

Love, Kartik


	5. 22

I’m on my own.

I’m on my own.

Ma. 

Holy shit.

Ma. I’m on my own. I made it out of there. I moved to Delhi and I’m working in my friend’s dad’s bar. Ok im not working yet, im going to start next week. But im out. and I’m studying so hard and so well that you’d be proud. I know I’m proud. I know Akash is proud.

Oh, that’s a boy I’ve met here, by the way. He’s really sweet. Not sure if he’s the one, though.

Is that even a thing?

Is there really a “perfect person” for everyone?

God, I hope not. That’s just depressing.

I like the idea that you choose your “one person” better. More optimistic, nahi? Reduces the terror of never finding your “soulmate,” too.

Wait. I’m rambling again.

Haven’t done that in a while. God, I’m so happy I’m practically giddy.

What was i saying?

Oh, haan

YOUR KITTU MADE IT OUT!

I’m never going back there. I’m never going back there ever again, not until that monster is dead, at least. I haven’t tasted freedom like this my entire fucking life, ma, it’s goddamn exhilerating. I know you got married sort of young. I hope you’d gotten the taste of freedom like this at least once before you died. Because there’s nothing, absolutely nothing else like it.

I was so happy last night that i cried. For the first time in my life, i was so fucking happy that i just sort of curled up in bed and cried for… i don’t know, about an hour?

Stopped when Rohan came back home. It was a close call, fucker has the footsteps of a cat. Almost saw me. But I’m very experienced in the art of hearing out for approaching footsteps, as you’d probably know.

Sigh. why did my life suck.

BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER NOW. BECAUSE IT DOESN’T ANYMORE.

oh, and, uh Rohan? That’s the friend, by the way. I’m working at his dad’s bar.

Or should i say, he’s my goddamn guardian angel. I love this son of a bitch so much for all he’s doing for me, i’d kiss him if he let me.

I mean, he isn’t bad to look at.

OH! ALSO, he knows. I told him. About a year ago, actually, figured we’d been friends for two and a half (?) years, so it was about time.

He took it well.

So, uh.

Yeah.

I guess that’s all for this letter. I didn’t have anything to tell you, really, i just got excited again and needed to say all this out loud. Yeah technically, this isn’t out loud exactly, but it’s close enough. It’s probably the closest I’ll ever get.

But that’s okay. I’m kinda used to being alone now. Don’t really need anyone.

Sometimes I wish that wasn’t the case, yeah. But it’s okay.

I have you too.

Miss you loads mumma.

Love, Kittu


	6. 24

Hi

I don’t really have anything to say.

Just that… things have gotten bad again.

And I can do this alone. I’ve done it before, I’ve been doing this all my life.

But it’s.

It’s hard, ma.

I feel weak. Kinda helpless.

I hope this is nothing. I hope it’s just been a bad week, or something. Even if it isn’t, i’ll just… deal with it myself. I mean, i know how.

I just wish i didn’t have to, you know?

I try not to think about him, but times like this, i just get so fucking angry.

Because. I mean.

Why does he get away with what he did?

Why does he get to live a life without me like he’s always wanted, when i’m supposed to carry the weight he gave me every fucking where i go?

Why do i have to clean up his mess?

And. fuck’s sake. Why do i have to do it alone?

It isn’t fair.

But then again, when has life ever been fair, na?

I hope everything goes back to normal soon. 

I hope you’re doing okay up there.

Love, Kartik


	7. 26

WHY DOES EVERYONE SUCK.

THEY’RE ALL SO ANNOYING. SO GODDAMN ANNOYING. “CAN YOU MAKE THE RENT LOWER” OR “CAN I HAVE THE BIGGER ROOM?” OR “oh… you’re gay?”

I’M SO ANNOYED.

I JUST WANT A DECENT ROOMMATE. 

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK. FUCKING HELL.

SWEAR TO GOD, IF I DON’T FIND ONE BY TOMORROW I’M JUST MOVING INTO A SMALLER PLACE.

I FUCKING HATE IT HERE.

Love, kittu <3


	8. 27

His name is Aman, ma.

Aman Tripathi.

And i know i haven’t talked about him before. I was meaning to write about him, i promise i was. I tell you everything that i think is important. This one just slipped my mind.

But he’s important.

He’s so unbelievably, incredibly, overwhelmingly important. He’s the most important goddamn thing in my life right now.

And I told him that today. It was nice. Nothing fancy or anything, we were just walking back from the grocery store, and the wind was blowing in his hair in that very pretty way, and he was smiling like usual but it was still the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen, and he was holding two covers in his left hand instead of in both hands just so he could hold mine, and he was looking at me and laughing at some dumb joke i made and calling me an idiot, and i just.

I don’t know.

It just slipped out.

“I love you,” i said. That’s all. Nothing after that. No build up to it. I really can be horribly impulsive sometimes.

But he didn’t mind.

Because he loves me.

He said it. He said he loves me too.

I know he does. He really loves me. He loves me for who i am and he loves me dispute who i’m not and he loves everything about me, every little goddamn thing like nobody’s ever loved me before.

You loved me, ma, of course you did. But i wasn’t me, back then. Not just yet.

And then neither of us really said anything, because there was nothing more to be said i think. We just walked upstairs in silence. And he was still holding my hand. And he was still smiling.

God, he’s beautiful.

And then when we got inside the doors, he let the two bags down, and he didn’t let go of my hand but he dragged me down by the neck (he’s so tiny, it’s adorable. I love him so much) and then he kissed me, and kissed me, and kissed me so tenderly and so lovingly that i almost cried, i swear.

Almost. 

I’m not that soft.

But i guess it wouldn’t have mattered. I can cry in front of him. Aman doesn’t judge me.

It’s one of the many, many reasons i’m so desperately, wildly in love with him.

He’s sleeping in our bed, as i write this. I’m in our bathroom. Because i need the light. But i can see him from here, and, god, he’s gorgeous. He’s perfection. I don’t know how i got this lucky, ma, sometimes i’m not even sure if i deserve him.

But he loves me. He said so himself.

And that’s enough for now.

Remember how i said i just wanted a decent roommate?

I guess i did end up finding one after all, huh.

Love, Kartik.


	9. 35

My dear Mumma,

Your son married the man of his dreams today.

And I’m still pinching myself, I still can’t even begin to understand how this happened. I still don’t know if this is real. It feels too good to be real.

Because he's everything I've ever wanted. 

Always has been. Always will be.

It’s been a long, laborious goddamn journey, ma. God, we’ve been waiting for… what, 4 years? It’s been a long fucking fight. For us, for people like us. I still can’t believe we won.

  
  


Wait. 7, if you count from the time we almost got married.

There’s no almost, this time. No uncertainty. No question hanging in the air.

We’re married.

And we have the certificate to prove it.

I didn’t want a big ceremony, actually. To be honest, if he had wanted to elope (i know technically it isn’t eloping, but the idea sounds fun, let me have this) and just have our marriage registered quietly, no ceremony, no humdrum, nothing.

But he wanted to make a whole thing of it.

I’m not surprised, to be honest.

So, of course, we did make a big thing of it. In the end, i kinda ended up liking it too. His entire family was there. I suppose they’re my entire family too, now- officially, i mean. Realistically, they’ve been my family for years. Of course, they could never replace you, but it’s nice to have a family. 

Aman’s father… he’s honestly like a father to me too

And i don’t just mean thrashing me to a pulp for being gay.

That was a terrible joke. Im sorry.

I’m glad we’ve moved past that, though.

Anyway- yeah, they sort of adopted me i suppose. And now i’m their son in law.

I just keep repeating that to myself and smiling like a maniac

Son in law.

Son in law.

Son in law.

That’s what i’ve always wanted, that’s all i’ve ever dreamed of. ever since he kissed me in the back of the ola.

Okay, that’s sort of dramatic, maybe about six months after that.

It’s still a long, long time to want something. And now that i have it, i just…

I’m crying again.

Damn it.

I wish you were there, ma. I wish you were there to watch your son and the love his life take those seven rounds, i wish you were there to watch us read our vows out (yes, we did that too. Don’t worry, it was still a traditional wedding, your son hasn’t lost his sanskaar. Aman and i just thought it would be a nice idea).

I wish you were there to give Aman the biggest hug like his mother gave me, I wish you were there to dance with us and enjoy the frankly delectable food, i wish you were there to threaten aman if he ever dares to hurt me like his dad did with me, (not that it’s necessary, of course not. Aman and i would never hurt each other. But i understand why his dad felt the need to back me up against a wall and threaten violence. That’s his darling son).

I wish you were there to tell embarrassing stories of my childhood, like goggle did of Aman. though, my childhood friends sort of more than made up for that (i hate them) so no complaints there.

I just wish you were there. To be happy for me.

With me.

I love him, ma. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. More than i even thought i could love anyone.

Goodbye, ma.

Love, Kittu.

**Author's Note:**

> my apologies


End file.
